"

"Espero olvidarme de ti en unos días... Es posible... Siguiendo las preescripciones de la moral en turno me receto tiempo, abstinencia, soledad..."


El post 100 debía de ser de fiesta... pero han pasado cosas y quiero tratarlas un poco antes, así que lo que tenía preparado tendrá que esperar.

And it was because everything occured in such clumsy ways...

En realidad me siento como un idiota por haber estado despertando en las mañanas volteando a ver mi celular por si habia respuesta a algún mensaje mandado a ella la noche anterior...
Peor: todo el día, queriendo ver si algo llegaba.

Harto de llamadas de larga distancia que eran para que yo dijera cosas, oyera una risita (which I really thought I was starting to love) para luego decir bye bye.

Y en realidad no conozco el por qué
Pero actué... ¿raro, creo? pero palpitaba más rapido al estar con ella y cuando se fue la extrañaba...

"Me dueles; Mansamente, insoportablemente me dueles. Toma mi cabeza, cortame el cuello; nada queda de mi después de este amor".

¿Pero es que cómo se puede ser tan naive?... Me siento tan timado... Tan humillado...

Y ella Soberbia... y sabedora. Y coqueta...
Pero soberbia.

"Pero llegamos tarde; te vi y me viste. Nos reconocimos en seguida, pero tarde... Maldita sea la hora, que encontré lo que soñé..."

Ahora. Creo que todo parte de su método de defensa.

Alguna vez platicamos y me decía que ella creía, por su bien, que a mi me gustaba más ella (cosa que hablabamos y resultaba ser al revés, de hecho)de lo que yo le gustaba, puesto que así no se sentiría tan responsable de la posibilidad de lastimar a alguien; especificamente en éste caso: A mi. Que le daba miedo quererme... y despues vino todo lo demás.

Lo acepto: I never"tell the truth in slant ways". And that´s a problem. One of the really big ones.


Entonces le dices que te cae bien. Y te contesta q no seas gay. Y ríes. Es simpático. Y la molestas igual. Hasta que llega el día en que te dice que muere por verte y q te necesita....

Es entonces cuando te tragaste el ansuelo.

And I feel really bad right now. Cause I didn´t deserved it. Cause it hurted like nothing ever; watching, feeling how my arm didn´t prefectly matched hers as we walked through the mall. Forget I wrote the word "perfectly" above:

Today- literally- it felt as It surely would have before she filled my mind with crap and hope and love stories. It felt empty and not meant to be. And it was just soo harsh after realizing the story that had happened on those arms not so long ago in a chic place in the city...

Anyway I don´t want to blame her about everything.

I still believe that her "shielding" attitudes where the ones that made her to keep apart.

Still, forgeting about all my blueliness and sadness, she made me feel heaven when I saw her arriving and listened her voice in my house.

But I just can´t keep waiting for something to happen. I´ve been quite a long time fighting against what doesn´t exist to focus on a real girl which obviously won´t meet everything I dreamt of but can get really near. I really believe she exists and I believe she´s surely the prettiest girl ever. And the one that I will want to love indeed.

But focusing on a girl which I couldn´t see in months and whose only way to express herself was messenger... sigh. It wouldn´t help fighting my demons back.

Maybe for her it´s just bullshit: She thinks she´s pretty and that nobody really deserves her. Still she gets the phone calls from Mexico City and all those texts I send willing to have an answer that would maybe show that she really cares. Still, she wins. She gets the texts, so, as she feels loved, she doesn´t need to give an answer to any. So sad, Don´t u think?

But still, when texts and calls and msn are ur only way of getting any contact... Why wouldn´t u answer? And then,afterwards, if you didn´t wanted to answer the text why would you post on facebook : "loser! Te quiero!"

These according to the fact that she normally uses lots of money to spend on her mobile.

Still, I believe my mistake resides only in two little facts I´ve said along this text: The first one is that I fell in a sort of love with her when I knew I shouldn´t and I fought against it but still thought she was the one the gods have torn away from me such a long time ago... sad. Obviously she wasn´t.

The second one is in the way she can´t say what her feelings are. Or were?.... So I´ll never know what happened. (at least that´s my guess).

But I swear I had tasted no lips waiting for her to come back.
But I swear I loved her every moment we talked together, spent together and bothered each other together.
But I swear I would break my arm to know what ur feelings really were and not to live forever thinking that the failure was all mine.
But I swear that the time will come when she´ll say what she felt. Well... I have faith in it.

Sigh...
But well, I believe I had never wrote anything like this anywhere where people could see it.
And I ask for ur apologies for all the mistakes inside the text, but it has all came out so quickly and, by the time I´m not able to correct it.

And girl.
You girl.
If you ever get to read this please don´t feel bad against what I´ve written about you. It´s just that the feeling of needing to cry while you´re exiting a supermarket to walk on a cold evening towards home is as awful as geting to know that the story you were trying to start ended because u wanted it to despite all the facts that u didn´t want to recognize.

"As my soul heals the shame,
I will grow through this pain..."
dice mi canción favorita de Robbie... Y sé que pronto así será.

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Thank goodness the other stories in this season finale ended really cool. (Or will end, he he) Anyway, as I remember in any episode of any of these series, not everyone ends living "happily forever after"... I guess my time will come anytime soon for a new season.

Sorry but thanks
Me.

P.S. Los versos en el texto son de Sabines y los momentos que pasamos juntos fueron mágicos. Los desaba como nada en la vida... Pero aún hoy no he parado de desearlos ni me siento satisfecho en mi tarea. And I really feel sad about it. But life keeps going on.
And now this chapter in my life is over.